Home Sweeeeeet Home!

It has been roughly three years since mama was asked to leave her home and more importantly leave you my baby girls. It was a long road knowing I would never leave you but not being really sure I wanted to stay in Utah. Three years of staying with wonderful friends, renting but never knowing if I would get to the place where I could have a home of my own.
On the 15th of September 2011 that all changed! Today you have a home with mama girls! You may not see it till you are old enough to make your own decisions but you do! You each have your own bedroom and mama even learned how to quilt so you each have your very own with your names embroidered on them.
I will always miss you like crazy and love you more than I will ever be able to express. Lissa and Liz really miss you too but like me they know we will all see each other again. I am so sorry the people you know, love and care about the most keep getting taken from you and for the most absurd reasons! You just keep your head up, stay strong, and be the beautiful souls that you are and all will be restored to you soon. I love you Imani and Nia and “where’s mama’s heart at?”

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Happy Valentines Day!

They LOVE strawberries and chocolate so I'm sure these were a hit!

Today was Valentines Day and though I didn’t get to see you or the reaction on your faces when you got your flowers and chocolate covered strawberries I could envision it. Imani I hear you were sick and not even at school today so I hope you feel better real quick. Nia, Summer tells me you miss me a lot and want me to drop my phone number in your mailbox. Chances are you wont ever get it if I do that so Summer will make sure you get it.
I was listening to the song “Music of my Heart” by Nicole Mullen. This was the one we used to always sing and the words will always be special to me because her words say exactly how I feel about you.
I just hope you know how much I love you and that I will ALWAYS be here for you. Where’s my heart at?

It’s ok baby, mama is here

Yesterday, I was heading on my routine trip to see my girls after school, but this trip turned out to be anything but routine. You see every day after school I sit in anticipation of seeing their cute little faces running toward me with those crazy cute smiles. We try to catch up with one another in the few minutes I get to see them. We hug and love on one another, share how are days went and I give assurances I will see them the next day.

This time was different My baby ran up to me and shortly after started crying so hard she wouldn’t even look at me! When I finally got her to talk she said she wanted me to drive her home. When Kelly asked her what was the matter she said earlier she had something in her eye. Two different stories just that quick! She went as far as mustering up the courage to tell Kelly she wanted to ride with me. Kelly told her no and that we have to keep with the routine. Well I say to you, this day was anything but routine and my baby was crying for me! I hardly think going outside the routine for this special circumstance will hurt a thing! In fact most adults will adjust or modify a routine if it doesn’t work for them, or for on those days you just aren’t yourself. We even gave it a name…plan B! So why should it be any different for my girls Do they deserve any less?

I think if we are talking about routine, why did their routine change initially? we had visitation and my girls didn’t have to wonder when or if they would see me. That routine was stripped from them so what makes that ok? Why is it ok to deviate from that routine?

Anyway, I insisted and took my baby home. In those brief few minutes we had to ride right around the corner, she wanted to listen to mammas IPOD or C.D. to hear what I listen to, wanted me to sing to her, wanted to sing to me and of course ride in the front!(thinking she’s grown!) We squeezed so much love into that 2 or 3 minutes! By the time we reached her house she was my beautiful, smiling little angel again. Those 2-3 minutes changed her whole attitude. In those 2-3 minutes she soaked up all the love I could possibly give to a distressed, hurting heart. Those 2-3 minutes made the rest of my day blessed!

Imani and Nia, I know you don’t have to love me, and I know there is no biology that links us, but you do love your mama, and we are and most definitely will remain a family. I will always be here for you(God willing). Knowing you love me as much as I love you makes me a very blessed woman. Where’s mama’s heart at?

Mama’s Looking Out!

Yesterday was like the most perfect day!(for a minute anyway) I was caught up on all my work to the point I even got off work early! Instead of going home I decided to go to the school, park and wait for my babies like I always do. I got there right about 2:00. I had the seat reclined, windows open enjoying the fresh air and mad chillin!
Two or three minutes later I saw little kids coming out to play. Then I noticed one of the kids was my beautiful little one! So I sat there waiting to see her play with the other kids. I was waiting to see her throw the ball, go down the slide or even get her hula hoop on! But I didn’t see it. What did I see you ask? I saw my 5 year old baby leaning up against the wall, head down and withdrawn. I was a little disturbed to say the least but what disturbed me more is I sat there and watched the teacher totally ignore it! She never went over to check on her, or see what she could do to help the situation.
At that point, I returned my seat to it’s upright position(no tray table). I exited my car and walked around to the front of it. I stood there off the curb and when Nia finally saw me, she signaled and said something to her teacher. The teacher turned around and tells me “were not done yet”. Well trifling bitch! I know that! What I want to know is why you are content to let my baby girl stand there isolated and not help her to interact? I told my baby, “let mama see you play”! “Can you throw the ball for mama”?, “would you like to slide”?
You should have seen my baby then! She went and got a ball and threw it through the whole in the slide, and she started bouncing the ball and carrying on like a 5 year old normally does.
While my baby was playing the teacher who couldn’t or wouldn’t take a few steps to assist my child, walked clear over, away from the children to speak with another teacher about me being there i’m sure because the other teacher looked my way. I watched my baby finish playing, line up and proceed back to class.
I returned to the school to see them after school let out. By this time her mommy was there waiting for the kids to get out as well. When my little angel came out of her class and started running to me as she always does, both the teacher and her mommy yelled “Nia no come here to your mom.” She stopped somewhat startled and reluctantly walked back toward the teacher and her mom. When they started heading for the car I informed her mother I was there earlier and before I could say another word she asked why? Why? you ask why? Never mind I am there other parent. Never mind that I, like herself as a parent doesn’t need a particular reason why! If she wasn’t so busy trying to keep them from me she would have paused and let me explain. I told her what I had witnessed and asked right in front of the teacher what she as an educator and as one who is supposed to help teach them socialization skills was doing when my baby stood up against the wall, anything but socializing, intergrating or playing? I guess I could have asked her why she as the other parent doesn’t find what happened odd or at least think that as a minimum it should be looked into? All she said is ok and mumbled something.
I have learned that there are 3 types of business in this life. First off there is God’s business. It’s not my business or my right to question God in his infinite wisdom. Things(both good and bad) happen. Good things happen to bad people, bad things happen to good people and visa versa. It is not the creations right to question the creator.
Next, there is other peoples business. There is a reason it is called other peoples business…because it’s other peoples business! Other peoples business does not concern you and it shouldn’t concern you in the least bit even if you are the topic of someone elses business. You have no control over it so leave it.
Last, there is your business. Your business is special because it’s yours. It’s exclusive to you! And they even come with options peeps! You can keep it your own,(private business) you can share it with a select few making it their business too (share your business) or you can share it on a larger scale to the masses kind of like this blog.(tell everyone your business)! It’s the one thing you maintain control of and the one thing you have to manage. Don’t know if the incident will be looked into by her mommy(other peoples business), wont question why my baby is being hurt like this while the people who cause it are moving right along( Gods business) but I do know this…Imani and Nia, you are mamas most important business and mama will always watch out for you. I love you and where’s mama’s heart at?

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Mama’s Wednesday words of wisdom

     If I may impart a word of wisdom on you two angels(of course I can , I’m your mama). That would be don’t let anyone steal your joy! Always know where your source of joy comes from. First your Father in Heaven, then whatever gives you joy, happiness, pleasure, peace or whatever keeps you keeping on while you are here on this earth.

     1. when you weren’t allowed to speak with your Grandma Lee on the phone…don’t let that steal your joy.

     2.When you sneak around telling me that she wont let you use the phone to call your mama…don’t let that steal your joy

    3. When you cry when your mama leaves, especially when you know mama will find you again…don’t let that steal your joy.

      4.   And for anything that can and will happen in the future, that you may not understand, and that tears you up inside with no justifiable reason for it, just know that is the way of the world, and theirs always going be somebody that’s going to mess up the electric slide!(lol)

True joy, no matter what your situation, comes from knowing “weeping may endure for a night but joy comes in the morning”. Trust that God rights all wrongs and though God may not answer in our time he’s always right on time. You are my heart and soul and the love we have for each other gives me immeasurable joy and no one or any circumstance can ever steal my joy. I love you baby girls. Sleep well and where’s mama’s heart at?

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